The Influence of Spouses
Recently, and with no one around, I gingerly escorted a spider outside my house. That’s right – I carefully caressed the 8-legged creepy creature in a piece of Charmin Ultra Soft (my wife’s only allowable bathroom tissue) and set him down gently on the grass. The only thing I didn’t do is provide the lad a drink or a mosquito to eat.
Before I met my wife, I would have thought nothing about violently squeezing his parts together and flushing him down the toilet. My recent spider-preservation actions may seem extreme to most, but my wife’s appreciation for the sanctity of life- even for an arachnid – is unparalleled. She has made me question the right of humans to impose their will and extinguish the life of anything, unless necessary for self-defense or survival. That said, I have not been able to rid myself of my desire and addiction for eating meat (though I do now feel badly about it and prefer that the animals be farm raised and have a decent life before I consume them – How nice am I?)
The point illustrated by this example is that, although my wife and I are very different people, she has had a profound impact on how I think about the world. And that is true, I suspect, in most good marriages.
Spouses greatly influence everything we do: from what we eat and wear, to the color and length of our hair; from who we like and don’t like and choose to hang out with, to how we raise, educate and discipline our children; from whether we get a pet and how many, to where we work, play and vacation.
Moreover, spouses often alter our basic values and beliefs. Even where people have been indoctrinated from an early age into believing certain core precepts like a religion, they will often dramatically change their views and even switch “allegiances,” based on spousal input. Over 40% of all Americans purportedly change their religious denomination at least once in their lifetime. This is no doubt due, at least in part, to the influence of spouses, as the number of interfaith marriages is on the rise and now represents nearly one in three of all new marriages.
In fact, I would conjecture that one of the primary reasons for divorce, aside from poor communication and that affair with the office assistant or friend, is the sense by one or both spouses that they no longer have significant influence over the other.
Spouses can even influence each other’s physical characteristics, as many spouses tend to look alike. Some folks, naturally, may be drawn from the outset to someone who looks like themselves (especially those possessing extremely healthy egos). But often spouses who do not start out looking very much alike gradually begin to morph more into each other over the decades. Indeed, there is some scientific evidence to support that there is a form of experiential empathy going on that influences our looks; wrinkles and other factors that influence facial construction are affected by emotions like laughter and sadness, which spouses share over the course of a lifetime together.
And yet, oddly, there is one area where the influence of spouses largely ceases: politics. How else can one explain the enormous gender gap in this country?
In the last presidential election, men favored Donald Trump by a margin of 53%-41%, whereas women favored Hillary Clinton by a margin of 54%-42%. While naturally not all men and women are married (or heterosexual for that matter), the majority are, and this represents a substantial 24% difference! The fact that Trump is a man and Clinton a woman likely has little to do with it. Women favored Obama by a similar margin as Clinton (55%-44% vs Romney in 2012 and 56%-43% vs McCain in 2008). While men were less enamored with Romney and McCain than Trump, they still held significantly different political views than their gender counterparts- favoring Romney by 7 points and Obama by only a single point over McCain.
Currently, much of the country does not have a warm fuzzy for Mr. Trump- the latest polls show him with an overall popularity of less than 40% . Yet, he still remains relatively popular with the majority of men, whereas most women abhor him – indeed, his popularity among white educated women is now purportedly just 23%. Among Black and Hispanic women, it is considerably less.
How is it possible that spouses who carry so much weight and influence in all areas of life are unable to persuade their partner about such an important issue like who should be the head of our country and who should play a major role in deciding our rights, liberties and laws potentially for decades? As Woody Allen might say: It’s a riddle inside a mystery wrapped in an enigma.
My theory? There are a lot of spouses who tell their partner that they are voting for one candidate to appease their spouse, and then vote the other way in the private confines of the voting booth. Perhaps a sworn affidavit or lie-detector test is in order?
