America’s Restaurant
Once we’re finally able to beat this Covid thing and we return again in mass to restaurants, I have an idea for a new eating establishment – one that best reflects the severely divergent appetites of Americans today.
“America’s Restaurant” would have two separate menus, themes, business plans and even rooms that cater unapologetically to the two very distinct palates that dominate our society and political system.
One room (on the right side of the building naturally) will be upscale and luxurious, designed for a very special clientele. To be served in this room you must be white, male and straight. Women will be allowed, but only if they are accompanied by a man. People of color may also enter the room provided that they are a movie star, celebrity musician or professional athlete or, naturally, if they are a waiter, busboy or delivering a package. Under no circumstances will someone not born in the U.S. be allowed to dine there unless they are from a Western European country or are married to the President or the Senate Majority Leader (or have at least endured sleeping with one of them).
The menu in this room will highlight our red meat selections. Wild game, freshly killed with a AK-47 assault rifle, will be available. Every night will also feature a special where patrons who order early enough can experience the gastronomic delight of consuming an endangered specie.
The decor will be a beautiful red, white and blue with American flags prominently displayed and lining all four walls. There will also be an occasional Confederate flag just for history and old times sake. The table centerpieces will be tiny sculptures of former great Americans, including several former Confederate War Generals, carved from elephant tusks.
There will be a television in the room that will be tuned to Fox News – the only news that be counted on as not being a hoax. In the rare event a Fox News’ representative decides to go off-script and rogue and call out, challenge or criticize the President, the television will be instantly muted and Rush Limbaugh’s radio show will be pumped into the room in its place.
Before each meal, the National Anthem will be played at which time all patrons are expected to stand (I know that this could be an inconvenience when customers are served at different times but patriotism must always come first and, per our President’s lead, you do not actually have to sing along or even know the words to the song.) Upon the conclusion of the Anthem grace will be said and a couple of Bible passages read – typically a Christian message about loving thy neighbor and treating all people with dignity and respect followed by one about killing homosexuals.
Although this portion of the restaurant is intended to be a high-end and exclusive place where I hope and expect many of the patrons will be multimillionaires, I still want to save them money (you can never really have enough) and show my support for their views on business and government. With that in mind I do not intend to charge any sales tax. In addition, there will no tipping allowed since waiters are already being generously paid the federal minimum wage of $7.25 per hour (just as they have since 2009). To further reduce costs, enhance profits and promote trickle-down economics I also promise not to offer any health care or other benefits to employees serving in this room.
In light of the perks I am affording my wealthy and politically-connected patrons I am hoping for a little “quid pro quo” here and that they will extend me the favor of their influence. With their help, I will be asking Congress to enact legislation to keep the government’s intrusive nose out of this side of my restaurant with unnecessary and costly regulations that deprive me of my constitutional rights. I will be seeking exemptions from child labor laws, overtime rules, worker’s compensation and health and safety standards. (I will, however, continue to support regulations to make sure that the food on this side of the restaurant is not contaminated.) And if a peaceful protest were to occur in the adjacent room which disrupts the enjoyment of my guests’ meal on this side, I will support my patrons’ right to wave loaded guns at the potential intruders, McCloskey-style, as well as the use of federal troops to quell this offensive and unpatriotic revolt.
I will also be seeking an exemption from all discrimination laws as well as whistle-blower claims. I believe, like Las Vegas, that whatever happens in this room should stay in this room. For further protection I will require that all workers sign a release promising that they will not sue me or any fellow customer for anything that occurs in the restaurant. Should a dispute arise nonetheless the contract will provide for mandatory arbitration at Mar- A- Lago where it is agreed that his excellency himself, the President, will serve as the sole arbitrator.
To ensure the privacy and exclusivity of this room I have hired some responsible private citizens with ample guns and amo (George Zimmerman and both Greg and Travis McMichael have already signed up) to guard the perimeter, maintain the peace and exercise their excellent judgment. In addition, after conferring with prospective patrons of this room, they have convinced me that the only way to keep out the undesirables is to build a tall beautiful concrete wall between the two rooms, which I have agreed to do based upon their assurance that they will get Mexico to pay for it.
As for the left side of the room, it will naturally be a very different place. Anyone who wants to dine there (regardless of race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, nationality or even criminal record) will be allowed to come in no questions asked – well, unless you are a Republican. My market research tells me that the vast majority of diners will be women and from large cities and few will come from places where “y’all” is common.
The cuisine in this room will be very eclectic with Mexican, Southern soul, Chinese, Indian, Mideastern and Jewish Deli among the many varied choices. The offerings will be heavily vegan. Although eating meat is allowed, provided the animals were treated like kings before they were executed, it will still likely be frowned upon by many in this room.
The walls will be painted a mixture of colors with one wall blue, another pink, a third rainbow, and the last a solid black. Banners will be hung throughout the room admonishing to “Save the Earth,” and “Give Peace a Chance” promote “Diversity. Equality. Unity,” and naturally acknowledge that “Black Lives Matter.” The centerpieces for the tables will be statues of great civil rights leaders and immigrants who have helped make this country great, and will be made from human earwax that can be recycled.
There will be a television in this room as well, but it will be tuned to CNN or MSNBC. Because the patrons in this room value the importance of the First Amendment, all conversations and debate will be tolerated – well, unless it is speech considered by anyone in the room to be sexist, racist, homophobic, inconsiderate, right-leaning or supportive of Donald Trump.
The food will be served all-you-can-eat buffet style and completely free. To help pay for the high cost of all of this, you will be encouraged to make a voluntary donation. I anticipate that this will still leave a substantial shortfall, and I will be counting on the folks in this room to force the billionaires (and anyone else deemed “rich”) to make up the difference (and then some) if they gain control of both chambers of Congress and the Presidency in the Fall. Any profits on this side will be divided equally among all citizens (except those who are white males or Republicans).
Lawsuits will be easy to file for anything untoward that occurs in this portion of the restaurant – if a customer were to slip and fall, if a meal causes indigestion or if the fascist business owner (that would be me) does anything that you find in any way offensive. Plaintiff class action lawyers will be standing at the door when you enter and leave to offer their assistance “for free” just like they advertise on TV – because they truly care about you. There’s a good chance that you’ll only end up with a coupon for a discounted meal next time you come (I know, the food is already free) while they walk away with millions. But at least you will have the special satisfaction of “doing what’s right” and “getting justice.”
I had considered a third room to the restaurant between the other two to serve as a barrier and to cater to the many folks who were not entirely comfortable in either of these rooms or to encourage the two groups to at least try to work together towards some modicum of compromise. But I’ve come to realize that this isn’t really possible in today’s world and political climate. You really have to pick your room. For me the choice is easy.
