I’m still (half) waiting for your Congratulations!
I got up early today excited about the prospect of receiving adoration from family members and friends. After all, today is my birthday – well, my half-birthday. So, I have been waiting patiently for the flood of e-mails, texts and phone calls to arrive, and for my Facebook page to light up relentlessly with “likes” about my big day. I thought that if I played my cards right and things were going particularly swell I might even score a congratulatory tweet from the Man Upstairs (Trump, not God, though in fairness he’s probably distracted today by the impeachment trial).
And yet so far I’ve received a giant goose egg. When the postman arrived late this afternoon I raced to the mailbox full of optimism; surely there were some folks that I meant something to. But the only ones who seemed to sincerely care about me was a real estate agent wanting to sell our home, Imo’s Pizza, offering me a one-topping extra large AND a helping of our town’s toasted ravioli for a mere $20 and my alma mater, the University of Texas, affording me the opportunity to give them money, even though I already gave them money last month. When I watched the last Fed-X, UPS and Amazon Prime delivery truck pass down the street for the day without stopping by my house, it finally dawned on me that no one would be recognizing my half-birthday this year. You would think that after six decades of similar results and disappointments I should have expected it. But I had thought that this year would be different.
Now, some may say this is silly and that I am behaving like a child. We already celebrate the day that the earth makes a single complete revolution around the sun from the day we were born. But if you ask folks what the worst day of the year is, many say it’s the day after their birthday. Why? Because they will have to wait another 365 and 1/4 days until their next one. That’s a long interval to receive worship and a cache of gifts just for existing. Most of us crave more love, attention and free stuff than just once a year.
There is an additional reason to celebrate the “half birthday.” Many of us are born at a time that does not easily give rise to a full-scale celebration. I was, for example, born in July and as a boy, was often away from home at a sleep-away camp come the big day. (I know, poor me.) Accordingly, I was routinely deprived of having a traditional birthday party. And even when I had one, many friends and family were away at that time (especially all of my imaginary European friends on “holiday”). It’s a scar I carry to this day.
Other folks were born on major holidays like Christmas – a time when friends and family are distracted by other celebrations. It’s not easy sharing the spotlight with a guy like Jesus every year. And then there are the those born on the same day as other family members, thereby diverting attention away from them on the one day all year they are supposed to feel like the chosen one.
And what about those who have birthdays on April 15 when many people are upset about paying taxes, feeling financially short in the shorts and not in an especially celebratory mood (unless your family and friends are like the Man Upstairs and you just don’t pay them)?
Or imagine being born on November 22 or April 4 (the days that President Kennedy and Martin Luther King were assassinated)? Or on December 7th or September 11th? Shouldn’t these folks have another day to be celebrated which does not coincide with a National Day of mourning?
Then there are the few unfortunate people like my niece who were born on February 29 and who are relegated to a “real” birthday merely once every 1,461 days!
Not to be forgotten are those clever husbands (I know that sounds like an anomaly) who strategically marry their wives on their birthday so that they are only forced to remember one day and and provide a single gift each year. Should they be allowed to get away with that?
If we routinely celebrated everyone’s half-birthday, in addition to the day we came out all gooey and disgusting, it would likely remedy all of these conundrums.
And just think of the potential economic ramifications. What could be possibly better for Hallmark, as well as the jewelry, flower, car, clothing, sporting goods and travel industries than to add another day of massive spending each year? Since everyone on planet earth has a half-birthday we would instantly create 7.8 BILLION new occasions for many to buy gifts and, a plethora of opportunities to stimulate the world economy. It’s a proposition that we all should be able to get behind regardless of race, religion, gender, national origin or even party affiliation.
Here’s hoping this will be is my last half-birthday recognized solely by ME!
