“Varsity Blues” Scandal may be a Good Thing After All
In my spare time I have been investigating the backgrounds and performance of the “Varsity Blues” students who were aided in their admission to various prestigious universities by the grace of devoted parents and some bank. It turns out, to my pleasant surprise, that several of these students are actually doing great things that I think justify the preferences that they have received. For example:
A large contingent of USC student athletes, consisting of fake soccer, basketball, beach volleyball, track, football, lacrosse, crew and water polo players, have used their extra time not playing their “chosen” sport, to collectively develop a system to eliminate poverty and world hunger. They have formed a company to promote the program which they hope to take public soon and make billions. In the meantime, if you wouldn’t mind contributing to their “Go Fund Me” page, they would appreciate it.
A young man from Stanford, who might have drowned while attempting to sail for the first time, has instead been working on a drug with great promise, which he anticipates will not only defeat cancer, but also heart disease, diabetes, and even psoriasis. The Palo Alto community is all abuzz; Stanford Medical School not so much.
A young lady from Yale, with no apparent soccer skills, is very close to unraveling the mystery of aging, so that in the future humans will be able to live in perpetuity. She expects that her patented formula will also eliminate wrinkles, memory and hair loss, as well as the need for knee and hip replacements later in life (However, the American Orthopaedic Association is expected to lobby against FDA approval citing significant hardship to their members’ ability to afford country club memberships, vacation homes and bribes to college coaches to assist their children getting into their dream school).
A tennis player from the University of Texas, who from all accounts can neither serve nor hit a backhand, is on the verge of solving greenhouse gas and methane emission and eradicating climate change forever. It’s especially good news for those folks who live in cities near an ocean and who prefer to reside above ground. Arctic animals, the insurance industry, and owners of large mansions on beachfront property are also ecstatic.
A basketball player from the University of San Diego, who can’t jump, has designed a device that allows everyone to experience weather like San Diego’s all year round. At the request of those who prefer changes in temperature, as well as high school students and folks from mountainous regions in the need of an occasional snow day, he is working on a modification that would allow you to set your outdoor thermostat and precipitation meter at whatever temperature and moisture level you desire.
A soccer player from UCLA, who has trouble running more than 50 yards, is making huge strides in combating the obesity running rampant in our society. It’s a product that you simply sprinkle on your Captain Crunch or Pop Tarts in the morning, and then again with your brownie fudge sundae right before bedtime. I understand it also pairs well with a Cowboy Rib eye.
A volleyball player at Wake Forrest, who is short and smokes, has developed a cigarette that helps preserves the livelihood of the farmers in the region while producing a product that does not cause cancer – not that cancer is such a big deal anymore thanks to the young man above from Stanford. Hearing this news, college administrators at the University of West Virginia have inquired how they might attract similar talent to address their coal mining dilemma, but were told you need to have a university that people are willing to cheat in order to get into it.
Finally, a novice tennis player from Georgetown, has put her time away from grueling practices and matches to good use, developing an early-warning system that identifies serious mental disease and character flaws in our political leaders, which she proposes be used to disqualify them from running for higher office, much like the age and citizenship requirement. Under the “Hoya Paranoia” system, you cannot serve as President (whether Republican or Democrat) if you are a serial liar, have an insatiable need to be constantly praised, are delusional about your own intelligence and abilities, are vindictive and a bully, and are otherwise a complete asshole. The system ensures that the next President, and all future Presidents, will be human beings whom we can respect and proudly hold up to our children and the world as someone who reflects our values.
So,while these students may not actually be elite athletes, as represented, they are using the advantages bestowed upon them in a very positive and productive manner! Who said the ends don’t justify the means?
Oh yeah, Happy April Fools Day.
